Time moves fast. Time can also move slowly.

Its been quite a long time since last I wrote a blog post. What can I say? Life gave me many opportunities to seize and I grabbed them with both hands. I know I have not really kept a consistent blogging approach but I guess I did not feel the need to.

A lot of things has happened over the past year. I started a new job at the end of 2019. Yay! I was so overjoyed. I got to know the people, and the people got to know me. It has been a privilege to know so many new people. I am starting to get used to my work. I have a set routine.

The start of the Covid-19 pandemic felt like it was going to throw a spanner into all my plans for the future. However, it did not, I was able to work from home. My boss was very accommodating in that regard. I am so grateful to be working in an industry that just needs a laptop and fast internet connectivity.

Other life updates. I ended my therapy sessions with my local psychologist in October 2020. We communicated over zoom calls. My country had gone into a very strict lockdown because of Covid in April 2020. We arrived at a simple understanding that she has helped me to work through my personal issues and I have come to know myself much better. I know who I am now. Plus, she was going on maternity leave in November 2020. She would only be back in March 2021.

I still continue to take my Anti-Anxiety pills, once every morning when I wake up, without fail. I did see my psychaitrist in November 2020. She just wanted to do a Bi-annual check up on my and plus I needed a new prescription.

Well folks, that’s it for now. Maybe in my next blog post, I will talk more about my passions and interest. Bye for now…..

If You Knew

If you knew how many poemsI have written in your nameIf you knew how much I’ve changedBut love you still the sameIf you knew how much I wantTo see your face againHear your voice and touch youTo heal me of this painIf you knew how much I sufferWithout you here all dayEven heaven seems to […]

If You Knew

To the future

Hey, it’s me again.

Sorry I haven’t been really updating this blog much.

A lot has happened over the past 6 months. I have so much to tell.

Guess what? I finally secured employment! After 10 months of unemployment, I finally struck gold again.

This time, I am going to do things differently.

In June, I was told by my pastors wife, that I should see a psychiatrist to get tested for Aspergers Syndrome.

So in the first week of July, I was able to make an appointment with the psychiatrist.

She examined me and after a long 2 and half hour first session, she concluded that I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

I was so relieved that it was these diagnosis and not Aspergers.

So she prescribed an anti depressant and ADHD medication. She started me off on a low dose.

I then found a psychologist to do weekly therapy sessions with.

She is a good listener. And it has helped a lot. I have built bridges with my dad. I never thought I would.

I help around the house. I don’t act like a spoiled self entitled brat anymore. I have taken more responsibility for myself.

I went for jobel interview on my birthday in November. I got the job!

I am so excited for next year!

To be continued….

How far I have come.

Hey All,

Life has a funny way of making oneself sit back and reflect at what happened in one’s life, whether it be with happy and the sad moments.

Well, what can I say, I have been on and incredible journey so far in my 27 years of existence. My birthday is almost here. It’s just another two months approximately and then I will turn 28.

Time has flown so fast. So many things have happened, both happy and sad.

Today, I wanna talk about one of the saddest and most tragic moments in my life. I can remember the exact date, it is clear as the air I am breathing right now typing this. The day my late beloved mother died, would be the first time I have experienced true powerlessness.

My mother was born on the 22nd of December 1951. She had 4 brothers. Two brothers older than her and two bothers younger than her. She was the middle child and the only girl of my grandmother’s children.

My mom had a lot of hassles/issues growing up as a child. I can remember my mom telling me that she didn’t know how sex worked, my grandmother never gave her the ‘sex-talk’ about the birds and the bees. She had to find out about it when she learnt the human reproductive system in biology class from high school.

My grandfather was apparently a very domineering person. Unfortunately I was born too late, he died in an airplane crash. The flight was leaving from Hong Kong and had to fly via Taiwan back home to South Africa. However, at that time, South Africa had international sanctions imposed upon it and so they were restricted to what countries they could interact and trade with.

My mom remembered that when my grandfather was making his latest  business trip , almost all of her close relatives came to wish him well at the airport. It was almost if they all knew that they would never see him again.

And so on the 28th of November 1987, my grandfather died on the doomed South African Airways  flight called the ‘Helderburg’. Essentially the pilot was scared to make an emergency landing on any one of the small islands near the coast of Mauritius for fear of international  reprisal. The previous government, was purchasing weapons and ammunition from arms manufacturers in Asia and so even though my grandfathers flight was commercial, they still chose to smuggle it on board and so the cargo hold caught fire and the plane eventually crashed just off the coast of Mauritius.

The South African government did give the grieving families of the passengers, some compensation. This was obviously not really enough but it was at least something.

My grandfather didn’t know what to do with my mom. He was so used to raising boys, that when she came along, he never really expressed his love for her properly. I can remember my father wanted to throw out this old bar fridge she had in her apartment when she was single. She argued with my father and said that was one of the only things her father ever bought just for her. I can understand now the sentimental value she had in it. It was one of the rare times, my grandfather showed his love for her in his unique way.

I can remember my mom telling me of how she remembers my grandfather telling her that she was an ugly baby when she was born. This led to her having low self-esteem in her teen years and 20s. My mom also had depression in her twenty’s and so her outlook on life was bleak.

In the end , when she was almost 30, she found her faith and put all of her trust in the local church she attended and in Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior. It made her change her whole perspective of herself.

My mom told me that , eventually she forgave my grandmother for not being there for her and for not defending her when my grandfather bullied her.

My grandmother got sick in 1994. This was because of all the chain smoking she used to do from her youth up until a few years before she quit smoking. My grandmother became ill with emphysema and had to rely on an oxygen tank to keep her breathing. My grandmother died in 1997, I think I was 5 or 6 years old at time.

And as for my grandfather, well, my mom said she had to forgive her dad, because there was no use staying angry at a dead person. I believe that the church community really helped her to grow as a person. Yes she did take an antidepressant. She took Prozac every second day of the month.

Sorry let me get to my point now. I felt absolute powerlessness when my mother suffered a massive brain hemorrhage right in front of me and my father’s eyes in our home.

I can remember pacing up and down the emergency waiting room. Everything felt like it was about to come crashing down. I kept asking my cousin, who is a doctor, if my mom was okay. My mom had stopped breathing in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. So they were trying to resuscitate my mom in the emergency operating room.

Eventually the doctor on call said to me and my dad that after 45 minutes of tying to save my mom’s life, she died. The minute my dad and I heard those words, we immediately broke down in tears.

Yeah, so that a bit about my life’s journey.

There will be more posts to come.

To be continued…

Hello World!

I know it has been too long. I have a lot to talk about. It’s just that I have had a lot on my mind for a long time and now I have reached a point in my life where I am not ashamed to speak about it.

Where do I start? Let’s see. I know I want to talk about my relationship with my father.

My father and I have had a ‘love-hate’ relationship for as long as I can remember. My father is 68years old. I was born when he was almost 40 years old. My late mom was only one year younger. My dad comes from the old school. He has a very traditional/conservative view on how to raise children. Oh and by the way, I a an only child.

My dad had a difficult upbringing. He has 4 siblings. He is the eldest in his family. He has two brothers and the youngest a sister. My dad when he was young struggled to read because his eyes were different to each other. One eye could see far and the other can see near. Back then in the 1950’s to the 1970’s, my dad was not exactly an academic person. He failed 12th grade in 1968 and so he had to repeat 1 year. Then he managed to get into university and decided to copy his very intelligent brother and study a Bachelor of Science degree. Unfortunately he flunked and couldn’t afford to repeat the course .

What I am trying to get at is, even though my dad is the eldest child in his family, he was never the favourite. My uncle was. My uncle lives in Toronto, Canada. He has lived there for close to 35years. He is about 64 now. He has retired.

I start to realise that my grandmother never praised or showed much affection to him. My father once told me that when my father was about to be born, his father got deported back to china because someone in the community snitched on him and so the authorities found out and sent him back on a boat. My grandfather eventually did manage to come back.

I remember another memory where my told me that , when he was a boy, he could remember looking out the window on a Sunday night, wondering when his dad would come home. My grandfather was a gambler. And my grandmother used to argue with my grandfather over money. Because not only was my grandfather gambling but he was also sending money back to china for family.

And so his mother, despite her coldness and harshness towards him, taught all the children about saving as much money as they can and not to spend on credit or get into debt.

My father and I disagree about money. We each have our own view on it.

So now I will get to the point. In the last week of June, my church pastors wife took me aside and asked me how the job hunt was going. I said I did have a few interviews but none have bee successful. She said that she knows about the social issues I have had at my previous place of employment and she suspects that I have Asperger’s Syndrome because she has a cousin that has it. So she suggested to me that I see a professional to get tested.

So in July I went to see a psychiatrist and she diagnosed me with ADHD and Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. I have been taking anti-anxiety medication. It’s a generic of Xoloft. Once a day and the tablet is 100mg. It has helped me a lot with my anxiety. In addition to that I he been going to therapy with a psychologist. I find that it has helped me to feel safe about talking deep personal things the her.

With the treatment, I have a new positive outlook on life. I have even learned to honour and love my father for who he is. I used to take him for granted a lot when my mother was alive. Despite me being an only child, I am now grateful that my father was able to afford to pay my school fees both in primary and high school and even university.

My dad is quite tough on me. He criticizes me a lot. He sometimes takes a condescending tone of voice with me and even belittles me. I used to take that as a personal attack on my character. But now I have seen it in a different way, because of the way he has been raised, my father struggles to express his emotions in a positive way.

So now I see that they way he sometimes talks me is only because he is concerned and it comes from a place of love.

Yeah, so that’s what I wanted to say. Thank you for reading.

It has been a very long time.

Good Morning, Good Afternoon and Good Evening. This is a greeting to all of you reading this from wherever you are in the world.

I have been away from my blog, for I guess, close to a year now. There is so much to tell. I don’t even know where to begin. Well lets see, I think last time I chatted i must have spoken about having my employment contract terminated and not renewed.

My employment contract was only for three months and it was a probationary contract. I failed the probation. So after that, I guess I sent out my C.V. in some countries its known as a Resume. I got no replies for a while. Some did answer me but they required I do online aptitude tests. They said I failed it.

I decided to improve my LinkedIn profile and look through there, besides the online recruitment sites. I eventually did find something but it was an unpaid “IT bootcamp”. So I joined in August 2017. I drove into their office grounds, every single day of the week. This went on for like 3-4 months until I was called in by my SkillsRevolution Programme Manager. I had one last presentation  I had to give to the CEO of the company.

So I prepared my hardest that I could, and I even practiced in front of  my parents. They of course did not understand a word of what IT software testing concept I was talking about but they tried to give me a few pointers about my body language.

So the day of my final presentation came and I practiced in front of the mirror and everything. When it came time to do it, the CEO had forgotten and so he let me continue but stopped me 1/4 way through my presentation and I remember him saying: “Now do you understand what it takes to be a consultant?”

The company I am apart of is an IT services consulting company. They are essentially a high class labor broker. I had been for two interviews with potential corporate sector clients. They were both for the banks IT software division. Those were unsuccessful. My manager always said to us that if you show that you have an outgoing personality and a eagerness to learn the new software testing techniques, they normally take you and will find a way to train you on the skills you are lacking.

In the IT field, the technologies used is constantly changing. Every 18 months, a new piece of disruptive technology emerges. Everyone is in a hurry to adopt it. Some business are faster than others.

At the beginning of this year, in February to be specific, I got an interview to another bank. The two people I met there, are a  part of the IT project I am working on in the bank. Who knew, that they liked me. It took about two weeks but eventually I got feedback. My manager said that I would start beginning of March. Unfortunately an unexpected delay happened and I only started on March 6th, 2018.

I remember about three weeks having started there that I had to give a demonstration in front of the business executives. I was so shocked to hear that from my senior teammates. So I did the best I could and I walked in there with confidence and afterwards all the people in the testing department for that division congratulated me.

But here is the sad news I have to announce. On March 30th, 2018, my beloved mother suffered a brain hemorrhage/ stroke. It happened at approximately 16:45. My father and I were both witnesses to this traumatic/catastrophic event. The problem was at that time, my father and I did not know it was a stroke. So we did not realize she needed as much breathing space as possible and a direct oxygen feed into her lungs.

Eventually the paramedics came and she was immediately transported to the hospitals emergency/trauma ward. After pacing up and down for what felt like an eternity, the attending doctor called us into a room and she said: “….after administering resuscitation services for close to 40 minutes, it was decided to terminate that service….we tried our best in there but I am sorry…..she has passed. We lost her.”

The second me and my dad heard those words, we  broke down and cried.

To cut the long story short, my dad and I notified my moms close friends, work colleagues and also her 3 remaining brothers and one widowed sister-in-law of her death. We had the funeral service on April 14th, 2018. There was a big attendance. Close to 150 people came to the service at the church my mom liked to worship at.

I feel that my mom was already ready to die at the beginning of this year because she told me that she had tripped and collapsed in a shopping center parking lot. Now my mom was not exactly a fast walker but she was also never clumsy. Also on weekends, we used to go together to the shopping mall and she we should tell me that her hip/leg felt sore and she needed to sit and rest on one of the benches. In early Feb, she even told me that she collapsed at our homes driveway. She told me she couldn’t remember if she tripped on a loose shoelace or not. I believe those were all indications of an imminent stroke that was about to happen or a blood clot that burst.

However, my moms faith in God was so strong that I think she made a deal with the Angel of Death. My mom was not a morning person. She hated waking up early in the mornings. So in my mind, I imagined that the Angel visited her several times in her sleep and I wanted to take her away into heaven but she refused and probably said : “Just give me a little more time, I want to wait until my son has settled into his new job.”

I am my moms only child and even though I was born when she was 39 years old, she loved me so much. In fact after my moms funeral service was over, almost everyone said my eulogy for her was the best and my mom would have been proud of me.

Wow, I think I have said a lot today. Maybe I will try a blog post at least once a month.

Signing Off. Good Night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s me again.

So guys I have some not so good news. My employer does not intend to renew my contract. I had just started working on the 15th of March and now it is almost over come the 15th of June.

What can i do, there are many reasons as to why it is but i will not discuss this on the internet as you never know who might read this. I just hope to move forward from this. If I leave my employer on amicable terms, then it should be fine when i use them as a reference in my my Resume.

The job market in my country right now is not so great. My country has just recently entered into a technical recession as the media reports it. If you don’t have a proper education, all you can do is menial labor and sometimes that is not in demand anymore.

I have heard about the new type of digital jobs one can have. I have heard about something call Search Engine Optimization. I wonder if I could do that. I do have a LinkedIn account, and i have come across a digital skills academy where you can earn skill certificates in the free online courses they offer so that you can get an endorsement in it to say you have qualified.

Thats all for now. i just have to hope and pray that i find another job soon. Fortunately I did save up some money so its not like i am broke just yet.

Why am I so stressed?

I have about another 3 weeks till my 3month probation is over. It’s winter where I am from. June will see it come into full force. So obviously people are more vulnerable to catching the flu/cold.

I don’t no why but I am so worried the company I am currently working for won’t want me back after my probation is over. I mean is it all in my head? The battlefield of the mind is a lot harder then say, coping with a physical disability or fighting an illness like the flu.

Yesterday I thought I had a terrible infection in my gums and so I went to the dentist after work and she said its not an infection. She says I have been grinding my teeth and so I have been biting down hard along the right side of my jaw and so that’s why I started to feel pain along that side.

I opened up to her about how I am worried about my work because last time in 2014 I was working in retail and they chose to terminate my employment after my three months were over.

I know I am now working in a semi-formal ‘corporate’ environment and obviously the pressures are different than working in a retail shop but I can’t help but worry. I am like my father in that way. Unfortunately I picked up on his bad habits.

This morning as I was driving into work , I was listening to this Christian band Elevation Worship and their song was called ‘Resurrecting”. In their lyrics they talked about Jesus raised them up from the ashes of defeat and delivered them to victory.

I realize now, I can’t remember the exact bible verse but it goes like this, ‘Cast all your fears and doubts on Him…’ I can’t remember the rest but now I know that there is no use in worrying about whether or not my employers will renew my contract or not. It is in God’s hands.

I must remember that I can do all things through Christ Jesus whom strengthens me.

and that God is good all the time and all the time, God is good.